I think we clarified that it was "Teddy" Roosevelt  that said "Walk softly and carry a big stick." But then again, I'm not a history buff regardless of the twenty-two years I grew up with one, so if I'm wrong, sue me...and/or send me a history book because I need to polish up on it. But that brings me to the thought of, whatever happened to the big stick? I don't think it should have gone away. I think we desperately need the big stick. And by big stick, I do not mean penis.

I don't know if anyone else feels the way that I do about my friends and/or friends of Christmas pasts but sometimes I want to walk up to them and wail on them with the big stick. Then politely say, "Quit being a deuchbag" and walk away. The proverbial big stick doesn't work nowadays. You can't hint or even bluntly tell someone that their attitudes and actions need some serious work. People today need proof and by proof I mean photographs, large groups of people or the police to come by to tell them that they are ridiculously irresponsible. They need balloons and parties and banners that say, "We hate what you're doing!" for them to figure out that they aren't even remotely getting the point of the trillions of other messages.

Such as, "Don't do anything stupid."

What is it about this message that conveys that the messenger wants you to do the exact opposite? 

Look, I'm not saying these things just for the sole purpose of being an asshole. That's just an added bonus. I'm saying them because By God you need some fucking work. Or at least, you did. I don't know what you do nowadays, it's very true. But I do know what you did do. And you hurt some very good friends of mine. Perhaps you even hurt one of your *gasp* best friends? And quite honestly, that makes it my business. Because I am the shoulder they need to lean on when you've hurt them again. Sometimes, I felt it would just be easier to come wail on you a bit to beat this nonsensical attitude out of your brain. But I guess there has been something that's been missing out of these moments. Blogging or non-blogging. Part of the reason I started being blunt with you is because, I guess, in some strange corner of my mind I still do give a shit about what happens to you. But when you treat yourself like you do (like you're nothing) and when you treat your friends the same...then I have no need of you in my life. But if I wasn't thinking about you and your well-being (or lack thereof) I wouldn't be blogging about you in the first place. But the things that I say, while mean, while nasty...are true. People stopped liking you because of your actions. People aren't there for you because of you. And if you could try to flip-flop that around to where you aren't at the very least ACTING like you are taking advantage of everyone's hospitality (which by the way that and their trust are going to be very hard to win back) then you wouldn't be in the spot that you are.

So, as I was talking to Rat Girl I decided that it was probably time for me to blog a bit.

 

I have a lot on my mind. It comes in spurts. Sometimes, I'll be thinking about how wonderful my life is...coming home from a nice, cushy job to a wonderful, bouncing baby boy that loves his Mommy so much that he'll actually call for me.

 

Then there are moments like these, where I have time to sit down and think about the future where I just have a chest-tightening realization that maybe, just maybe, I may not recover myself fully enough to move on to anything other than what Korben and I have right now.

 

There was a time that I had nothing to think about but myself. Sure, those were good times. I intended to go to college, fix up the mistakes that I made in my adolescence, move up in the world, settle down someday, get married, have a family. Then just like that, in one day, all of that had to come to a "screeching" halt. Albeit, a lot of the brakes were because I had to get over the initial shock that in nine/ten/almost eleven months I was going to HAVE the family. Basically, my plans went backwards and I had to figure out how I was going to turn myself around enough so that Korben wasn't going to be born into what I had at the time. Nothing. I didn't have my GED, I didn't have my license, I didn't have a cushy job...and when you're on your own and no one is depending on you, that's just fine. But suddenly, someone else was going to depend on me to make sure that nothing wrong ever befell him and I was in no way prepared to start figuring out what to do first.

It took me about a two months to figure it out. I started with a license. That was fine. Did what I had to do. Got it back. My dad was kind enough to grace me with a car. Then I had to figure out what move to make next.

Studied for a bit, then got my GED. I told everyone at the time that I would get it before Korben was born. It was issued for the day before. October 30th.

So things did do well, considering my circumstances. This past January, I got my cushy job making well above minimum wage (still in the poverty level zone, I'm sure, but better again than anything I've ever made).

 

But here I am. Still. Trying to decipher where to move next. I've considered college. I want that business degree. I can almost taste it. I can feel myself going through the motions and graduating with my son watching.

And then I start drawing a blank. What then?

Where will we move? Will we stay in Oklahoma? Will I get a better job? Will that degree apply to anything in life? Will I move up or down?

Every single thing that I do, I feel the eyes of the whole world watching me. Waiting to see if I will slip up. I know I'm a damn good parent. I live and breathing parenting. If there were books that I could actually read that weren't all ready things that I knew, I'd read them. Just to get that perspective on how I could possibly integrate that into my current parenting. But there are just some things that books won't tell you. They won't tell you when the next bill will be higher than expected. They won't tell you what to do when you are running on fumes and you haven't received your paycheck yet and your child support isn't being paid. They don't tell you what to do someday when your child asks you what happened, why are you the only one here for them. They don't tell you the important things that you need to know as a single parent, as a person, as a human being to navigate your way through a chaotic life.

Given I'm starting to get really into the chaotic. I live off of no sleep and some days forgetting to eat.

But regardless, I still take time to worry about what is going to happen tomorrow or the next day.

So where will we move? Are we going to live in a rent house with Chris or someday will I be able to afford our own place? If so, am I going to stay in Oklahoma? Probably so. It's got a decent school system and I wouldn't want to move away from my only support system. Will I get a better job? Yes. Someday. Right now, it isn't in the Fates for me to get that better job. I need to focus on what I'm focusing on now, or else I wouldn't have gotten here. Everything in life happens for a reason. That's what I've always been told and to this day, with the ups and downs, I have yet to deny that it's true. I was meant to have Korben. Now. I was meant to be a single parent.

Maybe God is waiting for me to get to a place that I'm more comfortable at before he moves me up in the world. And/or maybe I'm just too boggled with my own indecisiveness to actually move anywhere. Perhaps it's me holding me back. Surely there are better jobs out there that I've simply been too afraid to try to get within my reach.

Anyways, I'm still here...still breathing...still worrying. I think it's my job to worry now. Although I think every now and then I'll need to vent my worries and figure out which ones are actually worth worrying about and which ones are just me trying to find something to fill my all ready full calendar of stress.

Anyways.

Thanks World, again, for listening. Or reading.

 

You have a birthday, your child support card comes in and you get the video camera of your dreams.

 

Things have most definitely been looking up. We've got everything Korben's needed, then I started to get the things I didn't need.

Then my birthday rolled around and with the oodles of cash that my loving family gave me, I splurged on the video camera. It's a Jazz Elite HDV188 and it's pretty much exactly what I was looking for. It's got up to two hours on it. (I'm going to splurge on another memory card for it after I get the cash for it so I always have a back up. I'm also planning on buying a new bag to carry all the equipment that goes with it in. I only got the little bag for the camera (that comes in the box.)

But thus far, I've figured out the whole ordeal. The sad things is that it comes with an Mp3 player and quite honestly, I don't need one. Mostly because my wonderful uncle is buying me one (since I decided that I wanted on...hopefully it'll plug into the car if I can find some type of thing that'll do that.

 

So, Korben is taking a nap now and than after he wakes up, I'm going to go get the Chevmeister and we're going to figure out what to do from there. Maybe we should go kidnap Jenn...

Oh, there is monkey boy.

What do I find annoying? Working my ass off and never reaping any benefits. What REALLY annoys me? Working my ass off and still having to find a way to borrow money to get the things that Korben and I both need. Thankfully, I had enough money for the co-pay on daycare. However, now I'm struggling to find money for everything else.

Lucky me, I have friends. Lucky me, I can probably at this point qualify for food stamps. And especially lucky me, it's almost my birthday...so at least I will have that extra cash to fall on. Which upsets me, yes...but I would rather toss away one single birthday than leave Korben hanging in any way shape or form. Hell, who cares if I get a video camera? (Besides me, of course.) At least I will get to snuggle my Korben knowing I did right by him, which is more important.

 

What I don't get is how the ones that fight and work and power through some nasty illnesses just to get that one paycheck, end up getting fucked in the D.H.S. system. Food stamps? Nah. You don't need food stamps. You may not be a citizen of the U.S. even though you've shown your fucking I.D. and birth certificate and Social Security card 100 thousand times, no, they don't believe you...plus, you should be making the money by now.

Not going to go on ahead and mention that I got the fucking child support card today, only to find out that they cancelled it since I called last week to say that I thought maybe it was missing. Although at the time we had established that the card had, indeed, been sent to the right address, they went on ahead and cancelled it and issued a new one. Which won't be here for two weeks or so. *headdesk*

Thank you, Oklahoma government for fucking me up royally everytime I even deal with you. Thank you so very much for denying me any benefits even though it clearly states that I spend more than I make. (Even though I'm actually sending my son to a D.H.S. approved child care center and not fake paying someone else ridiculous amounts of money, which by the way isn't cost efficient when you can get child care assistance).

Anyways, I don't know what I'm going to do this week besides sit down and pray my pretty little ass off that somehow we pull through, again, like we always do with the help from friends and family. You know, since Sperm Donor is a piece of shit.

Okay, that's all...I'm done bitching again, for today. (Or for this hour, at least.)

I didn't go to work today because I'm feeling like shit...still. My throat has been very sore and both doctors that have looked at it described it as "Yuck." Originally, my father was going to pick him up from daycare since I was going to be at work. But since I'm obviously not there (we'd be in the middle of rush right now) I picked him up.

Then my dad said he wanted to take him anyways. That was quickly shot down by my stupid stepmother who controls him whenever she gets the chance. So, I guess it's just me and Korben again while I struggle to get two fucking minutes to rest so that I can make it through tomorrow.

I think I'm going to attempt to find some truth on this blog. And by truth, I mean I'm letting myself vent on things, people, stuff, etc. etc.

But for all sakes and purposes of those involved, maybe I'll switch it up a little by changing the names. After all, truth can only be stretched so far when other people don't want the truth to be known, right? Or at least, my version  of it. The only name we won't change is mine because what do I care if you guys know about me or not? I know I'm a fuck up, at least in my own special little way and it took me a long damn time to realize it. And that level of speculation on yourself isn't so easily tossed to the side. So, thus begins the story of Rachel the fuck-up and her little group of fucked up friends.

 

Since my childhood/adolescense isn't really all that exciting (unless you find, "Oh woe is me! Angst, angst!" exciting...) so we're going to skip past that to my first "real" relationship.

It all started when I decided to get off drugs. That happened when my brother came down and smacked me around, telling me to quit cold turkey. I was only seventeen and, of course, still trying to be angsty. (I'll show you the scars from it sometime if you want me to, hopefully it'll keep all you other kids off drugs!) Well, it just so happened that I was a fairly easily influenced girl so I was easily influenced into hanging out with my older brother and his friends at something called a Vampire Game. That's where all the trouble started. (Of course, I'd like to state for the record of all those that actually know me, some of it has been the best trouble of my life...and some of it the worst.)

That's where I met Phoenix and Rat Girl. Sorry, Rat Girl, couldn't think of anything more creative than that and I think it is more appropriate than Coffee Lady or my Yellow Jacket Friend. Phoenix and Rat Girl were the married couple that ran the game. Rat Girl was the storyteller, Phoenix was the Prince of the City. Very intimidating for someone who's never been to one of these things. But after a few games, I was smitten with both of them. This was much more exciting than the rest of my life had been (and a lot easier to remember without meth running through my system) and once I found out that the Rat Girl had been there and done a lot of the silly nonsense that I had done, we became really good friends. I liked talking to her, she made things interesting and while I had never honestly thought about moving in that direction before (as far as sexuality is concerned) I found myself doing it.

Well, needless to say, we'll fast forward to the "good part". Phoenix, Rat Girl and myself became a...I don't know, sick love triangle? Rat Girl is still, to this day, the only girl that I can honestly say I have ever been attracted to but I also realized that I just wasn't enough attracted to her to have made it work anymore than it did. Due to much fighting and things that were probably broken before, just escalated by my presence, not to mention things that we all didn't see eye to eye on,  Phoenix and Rat Girl got a divorce, after which, Phoenix and I got together. Of course, this started all sorts of drama between me and Rat Girl, Rat Girl and Phoenix...things that seem so petty and silly and meaningless nowadays. Looking back at it, I do see that Phoenix never got over Rat Girl in our two year relationship (and I'm assuming beyond that when I move into the world of fucking everything up.)

So, things were good for a time. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Honestly, we probably would've been better off as friends...when I started to look elsewhere. I felt trapped out of nowhere and started to look towards other men and other people to find things that I had right in my own home. It was sad and pathetic but I did it anyways, not sure if I meant to hurt him in the process but I know I did. That's when Goose came along. We started messaging, e-mailing and overall starting an emotional attachment to eachother again. He had a son and a girlfriend at the time, we'll call her K.U. (until somebody helps me think of an appropriate/better nickname). Of course, neither of us cared. I was feeling trapped because I was an immature little brat with nothing on my mind but getting out and not being where I was anymore and he, well, he's something that I can't to this day explain. Things didn't happen between us until the day everything ended. Phoenix had noticed (hard to not notice) that things were getting edgy and frustrating between us. I'm sure if he had been able to at the time, he would've kicked me out and moved on a while before we moved on from each other. So we started talking of an open relationship. Something we hadn't agreed on yet. But, that's not the point. Goose and I had started hanging out more recently, as had Phoenix and K.U. things were getting more and more obvious that none of us in this silly square were happy. That's when Goose and I made a huge mistake. We had been messaging back and forth and had a very....hot and very inappropriate conversation...I'll just say I'm surprised Phoenix didn't kick me out of the house when he found it. But on that note, at that time, nothing had happened. But it led to many a disaster and many a conflict of who did what when and how?

The day everything ended, I was coming home from work and found a hickey on Phoenix's neck. It's kind of funny today because I can write about it and not feel anything (mostly because Phoenix is my friend now) but I remember that day feeling a gut wrenching pain that I didn't think I'd have. K.U. and Phoenix had hooked up the night before in MY car. After leaving the house, thankfully with what I had of my check, I went to my friends Froggy, Bitches and Kitten's house to figure things out. At the time, I'm sure I expected to be coming back to my puppies and my fiancee. Of course, that was silly of me. Phoenix and I both wanted different things.

But that didn't change my opinion of K.U.

I'll be honest, I still have problems with her. Not because she actually did it but because she excuses herself from all responsibility. Claiming Phoenix and I were in an open relationship. Talking about it and actually agreeing to it are two completely different things. Looking back at things, no, I'm not surprised it happened. In fact, I'm surprised it hadn't happened sooner. (And/or it did and she isn't admitting to it.) However, Phoenix at least admitted that he was sorry that it was painful to me. K.U. didn't even offer me that much. She said that it was justified based on Goose and my conversation, very inappropriate as it were. That's where I draw my line. She claimed it was just a passionate love-making session, not a vengeance issue. Which is where I get confused. If you feel justified in doing it, how is that just sex? That's revenge. Justification is the word you use when you know how did something wrong.

Of course, that's not my only problem with K.U. but we'll get there later.

After the fire died down and I stopped yelling at Phoenix everytime we talked to eachother, I decided to hook up with Goose. A night of drunken stupidity, I slept with the guy and lo' and behold...ended up pregnant. (Surprise, surprise, he knocks up anything else he sleeps with damn near.)

Let's just say it didn't work and move on from there.

Nowadays, I have a gorgeous little boy (no thanks to Goose) and I work myself to the bone to make more money for him.

 

Here's why I made up my nicknames though. Although I'm sure the ones that are actually reading this are completely well aware of who they are now. I'm about to get to the point of this whole thing.

There's the backstory. Here's why the nicknames.

Here is why I still have problems with you, K.U. First off, you lied to me. For months and months, I tried desperately to get you to go wtih me to D.H.S. to file for child support and you said "No," over and over and over. Then all of a week after my son is born you toss down paperwork to take Goose to court. Then to make matters even better, you took everything from him. You left me with the fucking crumbs that he had leftover from his job to make a life for me and my son. Why is that so bad?

Because I busted my ass to better myself before my kidlet was born and you won't even make an attempt to. "Oh, I'm going to go to GED school." Bullshit. You've been saying that for years...hasn't happened yet.  However, the minute I found out my he was going to be, I started looking into what I had to do. "Oh, I'm going to get my license." No you aren't, you're going to continuously sit back and do what you want to do...nothing. I got mine back well over a year ago.  What's sad to me is that someone like you, who refuses to better herself even for the sake of her child is getting $1000 or more a month in child support and only working part time "because they don't have extra hours."

What do I say to that?

Time to get a new job.

And the final thing that makes me not want to be around you, even for a second? That I know that you can better yourself and you just refuse to. Your son needs you. Who the hell else is he going to turn to? His father? Come on, we both know better. Or maybe you don't, because while your son's life has been falling down around him, you've been drinking your problems away whenever you have the fucking chance. Wake up, for crying out loud, because one of his parent's needs to be worth a damn and it's got to be you. YOU have to the one that he looks up to. YOU have to be the one that he goes "I want to be like her" and an unlicensed, no education, working part time and doing crap for a career is not what you want your son to look up to. Hell, at the least, you can be an unlicensed but have an education mother who works her ass off to make sure her son is well cared for. Give him something to aim for. Because what I see and what everyone else sees, is someone who gave up because life got fucking rough.

Hello, darling. Welcome to life. Keep your arms and legs inside the cart at all times and just let the tree branches of bullshit and mayhem hit you on the face as your flying by. You don't have a choice anymore. And you are better than what you are being right now.

 

And the final word is about Goose: Your a no good piece of shit that doesn't deserve either of the son's you've helped produce. Actually, I don't even want to say you helped because all you did is get off. You are going to miss out on the two coolest little fucking children that have ever walked the face of the planet, one of which I'm sure is going to be a rocket scientist someday. You would rather let Renny tell you how to live your life just so you can maybe, someday get a piece of that ass. Well, I hope you do someday. Because at least then perhaps you're life will be worth something besides the child support card it's worth now. Perhaps then, at least, your children will be happy to call you their Sperm Donor because you got something you wanted out of life.

It's really too bad that you're such a pathetic loser. It truly is. But don't blame me for not wanting my son to be partially raised by a pathetic loser. I don't need his father to teach him how to pick up chicks (and STD's) from the bar without paying for a single drink, because quite honestly, I don't think you've ever pulled that off. If you had, then maybe there would actually be a payment or two on my child support card, dontcha think?

Besides, I'm seriously afraid that the people you live with will dumb down the progress that we've made with him. He's smart. His first word was, "Mama" which should say something you asshole since most children say "Dada" for the first word because the consonants are simpler than in "mama". But I guess when you don't hear the word, "Dada" EVER in your entire life besides once every few weekends or so you can't be expected to learn it.

 

 

This is thus far what I wanted to write about. Life in general, bitching where 100+ people aren't going to read it and comment on it. Some place that is a little bit safer but will still get the point across to the people I actually want to read it.

Perhaps this reaches you, perhaps it doesn't.

But ultimately, this is my life, get used to it...I'm going to be writing a lot more.