So, as I was talking to Rat Girl I decided that it was probably time for me to blog a bit.

 

I have a lot on my mind. It comes in spurts. Sometimes, I'll be thinking about how wonderful my life is...coming home from a nice, cushy job to a wonderful, bouncing baby boy that loves his Mommy so much that he'll actually call for me.

 

Then there are moments like these, where I have time to sit down and think about the future where I just have a chest-tightening realization that maybe, just maybe, I may not recover myself fully enough to move on to anything other than what Korben and I have right now.

 

There was a time that I had nothing to think about but myself. Sure, those were good times. I intended to go to college, fix up the mistakes that I made in my adolescence, move up in the world, settle down someday, get married, have a family. Then just like that, in one day, all of that had to come to a "screeching" halt. Albeit, a lot of the brakes were because I had to get over the initial shock that in nine/ten/almost eleven months I was going to HAVE the family. Basically, my plans went backwards and I had to figure out how I was going to turn myself around enough so that Korben wasn't going to be born into what I had at the time. Nothing. I didn't have my GED, I didn't have my license, I didn't have a cushy job...and when you're on your own and no one is depending on you, that's just fine. But suddenly, someone else was going to depend on me to make sure that nothing wrong ever befell him and I was in no way prepared to start figuring out what to do first.

It took me about a two months to figure it out. I started with a license. That was fine. Did what I had to do. Got it back. My dad was kind enough to grace me with a car. Then I had to figure out what move to make next.

Studied for a bit, then got my GED. I told everyone at the time that I would get it before Korben was born. It was issued for the day before. October 30th.

So things did do well, considering my circumstances. This past January, I got my cushy job making well above minimum wage (still in the poverty level zone, I'm sure, but better again than anything I've ever made).

 

But here I am. Still. Trying to decipher where to move next. I've considered college. I want that business degree. I can almost taste it. I can feel myself going through the motions and graduating with my son watching.

And then I start drawing a blank. What then?

Where will we move? Will we stay in Oklahoma? Will I get a better job? Will that degree apply to anything in life? Will I move up or down?

Every single thing that I do, I feel the eyes of the whole world watching me. Waiting to see if I will slip up. I know I'm a damn good parent. I live and breathing parenting. If there were books that I could actually read that weren't all ready things that I knew, I'd read them. Just to get that perspective on how I could possibly integrate that into my current parenting. But there are just some things that books won't tell you. They won't tell you when the next bill will be higher than expected. They won't tell you what to do when you are running on fumes and you haven't received your paycheck yet and your child support isn't being paid. They don't tell you what to do someday when your child asks you what happened, why are you the only one here for them. They don't tell you the important things that you need to know as a single parent, as a person, as a human being to navigate your way through a chaotic life.

Given I'm starting to get really into the chaotic. I live off of no sleep and some days forgetting to eat.

But regardless, I still take time to worry about what is going to happen tomorrow or the next day.

So where will we move? Are we going to live in a rent house with Chris or someday will I be able to afford our own place? If so, am I going to stay in Oklahoma? Probably so. It's got a decent school system and I wouldn't want to move away from my only support system. Will I get a better job? Yes. Someday. Right now, it isn't in the Fates for me to get that better job. I need to focus on what I'm focusing on now, or else I wouldn't have gotten here. Everything in life happens for a reason. That's what I've always been told and to this day, with the ups and downs, I have yet to deny that it's true. I was meant to have Korben. Now. I was meant to be a single parent.

Maybe God is waiting for me to get to a place that I'm more comfortable at before he moves me up in the world. And/or maybe I'm just too boggled with my own indecisiveness to actually move anywhere. Perhaps it's me holding me back. Surely there are better jobs out there that I've simply been too afraid to try to get within my reach.

Anyways, I'm still here...still breathing...still worrying. I think it's my job to worry now. Although I think every now and then I'll need to vent my worries and figure out which ones are actually worth worrying about and which ones are just me trying to find something to fill my all ready full calendar of stress.

Anyways.

Thanks World, again, for listening. Or reading.